


Last confessions

by Akrois



Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén
Genre: M/M, Nobody Actually Dies, POV Second Person, a future fic without much context, hand holding, my sidestep has a name! Say hello to Zachary Ward!, sidestep is A Mess, there's talking about a bit of a poly relationship but it's only hinted at, there's talking about relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-05
Updated: 2020-03-05
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:54:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23032051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akrois/pseuds/Akrois
Summary: Chen is looking at you silently, his lips pressed together so tightly you can barely see them anymore. You let your head hit the pillow again. All that turning around makes you tired, you tell yourself." Good morning."He says, politely. That's pretty funny because the last time you saw him he punched you through a wall. Did you have your helmet on then? Maybe you didn't. In your heart of hearts you know you can't blame him for wanting to punch you through a wall." You are in a secure place. Nobody knows where you are."Your lips hurt and bleed, but you still manage to smile " For now."
Relationships: Ortega/Sidestep (Fallen Hero), Sidestep/Steel (Fallen Hero)
Kudos: 57





	Last confessions

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying to sort Zachary's brain out. which is hard since I appear to be unable to sort anything out right now.  
> anyhow, this has been written mostly on a train ride at ass-o'-clock in the morning but I kinda like it so I decided to just inflict this story on y'all.
> 
> BTW, I am just so happy with all the kudos I got on my previous works! I never expected such a nice reaction to my messy attempt at writing!  
> As I said on my first work, I recently endured a ridiculously long writer's block and ever thought I would manage to write ever again. Literally everything you see is nothing short of a miracle.  
> Also, I still want to thank Malin for his fantastic work and for making me what to write again!  
> Enjoy!

Last confessions. 

The bed is stiff and mildly uncomfortable, as hospital beds tend to be.

Your eyes move, but your body seems to have opted for staying still. Further investigation shows that the limbs that are not encased in casts are securely tied to the sides of the bed.

You want to crack a joke about it, but your mouth feels like you just drank a big glass of sand and gravel. You reach out to lick your lips, finding them rough as sandpaper and split there and there. Your tongue itself seems to have lost every single drop of moisture it once had and it's now only scraping your already sore skin

All in all, you're doing _just fine_.

After all the aches and pains fade in the background you can finally concentrate on the persistent ringing in your ears and the low-grade headache that's slowly taking over your battered brain.

Dampeners, of course. Why not. Why not bolt you to the fucking wall and be done with it, at this point? Why not give you to the Farm with a nice little red ribbon on your head?

You slowly turn your face to the side, trying to get a look around the room (trying to stop your brain from recalling the last time you struggled to turn around).

White wall, white wall, Wei Chen, door, white wall, Wei Chen.

Wei Chen?

Chen is looking at you silently, his lips pressed together so tightly you can barely see them anymore. You let your head hit the pillow again. All that turning around makes you tired, you tell yourself.

" Good morning."

He says, politely. That's pretty funny because the last time you saw him he punched you through a wall. Did you have your helmet on then? Maybe you didn't. In your heart of hearts you know you can't blame him for wanting to punch you through a wall.

" You are in a secure place. Nobody knows where you are."

Your lips hurt and bleed, but you still manage to smile " For now."

" We took precautions."

" So you can make sure nobody will snatch me away?"

" Yes."

" Always the caring sweetheart."

" Don't."

" Don't what?"

" Don't do that."

You kinda what to ask what _that_ is but you have the feeling that Chen would not take well to your prissy little questions. So you lay still, savoring your building headache.

" Why?"

" Why what?"

Man, you're just a little asshole, are you?

Chen's arms are crossed on his chest, his hands balled in fists. He's holding himself so tightly you worry he'll just explode any moment now.

" Why _everything_?"

" You know why. I did that whole television shtick and the big battle downtown. Did you miss it? It was really good. "

" That's not what I mean."

" Isn't it? You might want to be more specific. Sadly I can't read your mind right now. "

You could read his thoughts even now, if only you had the Rat King with you. You idly wonder what happened to them. You hope they're being treated well. You hope they're safe. You hope they don't lie scattered on the ground downtown. God, they deserve better than that.

It's funny that you just tried to kill every poor idiot who's ever loved you and all you can do is worry about a bunch of brains in a jar. Hearts are such finicky little things.

You do suspect that all your worrying is mostly your brain trying to avoid the (hurt, sad, angry, _sad_ ) look Chen is giving you.

" Argent is MIA. Charge is in hospital. And Herald" his mouth twists in such an unflattering way " is _indisposed_. All of it because of you. So I ask again" he bends toward you " why?"

You could lie. You can lie, who's stopping you? Chen? He's never managed to stop you from doing anything, case in point: the current situation.

But at the same time, you're a bit tired. Of lying. Of running. Of hiding. Of it all. You're tired and for a moment you bask in the warmth of a future where you're honest. Where you get forgiven. Where you end up free, loved and happy.

" I needed to stay close to you all." You watch that nice little dream fade away, feeling the snow and ashes fall on your body again. You'll die in the cold, you know, but at least you won't drag anyone with you. You can do that much. " It was easier to keep you in check like that. Easier to keep you away if you didn't suspect. Easier to get you to stand down if you saw the face of a friend."

" Was it? Was it really?"

" Well, I still got punched a whole lot, so it didn't work that well."

His lips quirk sharply to the left side. It's only a second, but you see it. It's funny, even after everything you did, you still manage to get him to smile. It's a talent.

You used to like his smile. You used to feel happy when you saw him smile. You used to love the way he smiled.

You? Did you? _A_ you did. The you that dreams of freedom and love. The you that cares. The you that's still not crushed away. The you that was Sidestep.

That you that is still there, ignoring all your efforts to squash it once and for all. The you that just wants to reach over and touch his hand, even if it's just for a moment. Even if it doesn't mean anything.

" What about me?"

You didn't expect to hear that. You thought he would be thinking about it, but not that he would ask the question, being Chen and all that.

" What about you?"

" Did you lie to me as well? Did you lie to Ricardo too?"

Ah, typical Chen, always ready to bring Ortega in every discussion. Like hearing his name would change anything. Like you didn't personally hospitalize him not once but twice.

You get ready to lie, to let the words slip and use them to cut off your last tether to this world when Sidestep decides you're kind of a dickhead and you should leave him in charge.

Or maybe that's not just Sidestep, the same way Eden was not just Eden and Lethe was not just Lethe.

Maybe it's all you. Maybe that is the scariest thing in all of this mess. Maybe your little neat boxes got mixed up years ago and now you can't find you any-more. Maybe it's all _you_.

" Does it matter?" You ask, desperately rummaging around your boxes for an easy lie. Where are your words? You used to have so many of them " did it ever?" You ask, to stall for a few minutes at least.

" It did," says Chen, his arms unfolding, his hand lying on the bedside rails " it does."

You want to touch him. You're so desperate to touch him it's tearing you apart. Your boxes are gone, your words failed you but you can still just touch him and maybe it will be okay. Maybe.

_Maybe_

" I didn't. " You let out, a desperate little whisper " I couldn't."

" Why, then? "

Closing your eyes, you try to find a good way to explain. But you already explained everything on the television, didn't you? All your plans and your secrets, all the things you hid for so long.

So what does Chen want?

Something touches your hand, the texture of synthetic skin rough and cool against your bruised flesh. Maybe you don't have an answer because you got the wrong question. Because the one holding your hand is not the same person that broke your leg (and maybe a few vertebrae).

What does Wei want?

You should give him something, a resolution, something. He and Ricardo deserve that much (Daniel is a whole different basket of cats and you'll think about it eventually).

" Because I loved you. I loved him. Because I'm hungry and pathetic and I thought that it would make me” you stop, trying to put your finger in the hole. But the water is pouring out already and you may as well just watch the whole dam break down. 

“ Make you what?”

“ Human. Real.”

He looks at you and you dare to look at him if just for a second, finding his eyes on you, his expression unguarded. Finding him looking at you like he did that night he kissed you for the first time, happy and scared and a bit sad. 

“ You are real.”

“ I'm not human.”

“ But what is a human, then?”

There are easy answers, but the world you live in has taken all of them away. A human used to be made of flesh and bones, but then mods happened. Humans used to be born of another human, but then vat-grown persons happened. A human used to be something that could think and feel and recognize itself in a mirror but then you happened. 

“ A human is free.”

Free to exist. Free to breathe. Free to love and be loved back.

Free to be and nothing else.

You don't have that luxury.

But Wei looks at you and in his eyes you are human and, under his gaze, you feel human. It reminds you of Ricardo jumping to save you, again and again, risking his life for something that was someone to him.

You feel the tears before you realize you're crying. Wei is touching your hand. 

“ I'm sorry. ”

And you hope it will be enough, at least for now.


End file.
